Like Monsters For Chocolate

Forget Halloween, when I was a kid I thought there was a monster under my bed all year round. It was a cross between a blob and werewolf…sort of a hairy smooshy type thing with fangs and galoshes (don’t ask me, I was six at the time). One day I told my brother about it and he said he’d check it out. He looked and found nothing. The next night I happily put my nightgown on and started climbing into bed when suddenly the monster grabbed my ankle and started dragging me under the bed. It was horrific. As you might have guessed, the monster was my brother. Though I love him, I have yet to forgive him for that.

Out of this life-altering trauma, even Halloween episodes of the Simpsons freak me out. I came to the conclusion that I cannot stop monsters from getting me without plying them with something that I love, namely, chocolate. Since then I kept a piece of chocolate on my bed stand every night. Of course, as I became older, more mature, and rational I began to realize that not all monsters like the same types of chocolate.

So I did some research and below are the results (note: “data” and “facts” are based on stuff I made up since my research yielded nothing).

What Emily’s Chocolates Protect Against What Monsters?

For a monster, liking chocolate is secondary to their favorite foods consisting primarily of children and 19^th century peasants. Since this is the case, it is very lucky for me that I am now a fully grown woman with only a very small chance of dying of the plague. However, there are still monsters to contend with and the key is to know what kind of chocolate they like and, most importantly, have it on hand.

Mummies – Not all Mummies are from ancient Egypt, but the cursed ones are. That’s why it’s important to know what kind of fruits and nuts they had in ancient Egypt. Luckily I do and that’s why I have a bag of chocolate covered cherries and chocolate covered almonds on hand.

How to feed a mummy chocolate: Everything you need to know about mummies is in the movies. I chose the Abbott and Costello for my research and found that mummies A) do not come from under beds, but from the second scariest place in the bedroom – closets — and B) are painfully slow. So my strategy is to let the mummy chase me around the bed a few times, look into the camera comically, and throw a handful of the chocolate into his mouth as he’s letting out his long drawn out mummy moan.

Vampires – If Twilight or Tru Blood has shown us anything, it’s that you don’t run from vampires, you date them. But those aren’t the types of Vampires that are going to visit me or you, nope, it’s the REAL vampires. I’m talking about the scary ones with the cool capes and all of the “blaw-blaw-blaw”-ing. Through my research I found that vampires love chocolate because of the original vampire, the mysterious Count Chocula.

How to feed a vampire chocolate: Count Chocula taught us mortals that they will eat chocolate before they eat you. So my strategy is to feed the next vampire I encounter chocolate covered espresso beans so that they will stay up from all of the caffeine way past their bedtime and burn to death as the sun comes up. Well…that’s the theory anyway…this was well explained in Interview with the Vampire.

Witches – They just need to wiggle their noses to get all of the chocolate they want. If they’re in your closet or under your bed, then they are probably stealing your clothing and shoes.

How to feed a witch chocolate: Give it to them and they won’t cast a curse on you hopefully.

Werewolves – The chances that a werewolf will jump through your window are minuscule since they prefer to hunt in the woods, but keep in mind that they ARE naked howling men, so I wouldn’t put it past them. If this does happen, one thing I know for a fact is that chocolate is to werewolves what kryptonite is to Superman. Why? Because werewolves are dogs and chocolate and dogs don’t mix.

How to feed werewolves chocolate: One thing you need to know is that peanut butter will keep a dog occupied forever. Another thing you need to know is that, like dogs, they’ll eat anything in crunchy cookie form. That’s why I suggest you throw it a chocolate covered peanut butter cookie. Once the thing is done licking the peanut butter from the top of its mouth, it’ll be dead. If the werewolf actually turns out to be your overly-hairy husband then don’t worry, perhaps the peanut butter will keep him from snoring so loudly. We discourage you from trying this on actual dogs, but if they’re crawling through your window, chocolate may be your only defense (that..and running).

Aliens – One of my biggest fears in life is to be abducted by aliens. Particularly those little grey aliens with the big heads and obsidian black eyes. My fear doesn’t come from the fact that they might impregnate me with an alien-human hybrid; I already have one of those, he’s going into third grade this year. I’m not even afraid of a long trip into the emptiness of space. It sounds a lot more relaxing than where we went on vacation last year, Disneyland (the loudest place on Earth). Nope, my fear stems from the fact that I have no idea whether aliens eat chocolate.

How to feed aliens chocolate: Since I have no clues as to how or what kind of chocolate aliens eat, I suggest you use the chocolate to trick them long enough for you to get away. Here’s some suggestions:

• Take a bunch of chocolate covered strawberries, stick them in the microwave for five seconds until they’re just smooshy enough to form into a ball. Hand the big ball to the alien and say, “This is my brain, you can have it,” then run.
• Stick a chocolate covered cherry to your sleeping husband’s forehead and yell, “Take him! He’s got a third eye!”
• Spread a bunch of chocolate blueberries under the window. They’re round. When the aliens climb through they’ll slip because even though they’ve mastered the ability to travel hundreds of light years through space, they most likely can’t overcome a blueberry trap.

Protect Yourself From Monsters This Halloween

I know that the thought of giving monsters chocolate so that they won’t eat your face is somewhat unsavory, but it must be done, because they exist and nothing is going to change that. They also love Halloween because they can blend in and not be noticed, so keep your chocolate close. We care about your safety.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN FROM THE WHOLE EMILY”S FAMILY!

No Romance, No Chocolate, No Service

If you’re anything like me, I don’t think there’s enough romance around this place, and by this place, I mean wherever I am. My husband has the capacity to be romantic. I know, I’ve witnessed it. But it seems he’s been suffering from an early onset of romance dementia lately that’s getting to the point of being terminal. I’d have him committed, but he’s handy with a lawn mower.

I don’t think the problem is a lack of motivation, but a lack of imagination. He has an idea of how to be romantic, but it’s limited. Sort of like how I know that escargot exists and tastes good, but the blissful ignorance of how to prepare it keeps me from the unpleasant business of touching snails. That’s my hubby and romance right there.

As I mentioned, a lack of imagination is part of the problem, but what we want to avoid is my husband thinking to himself, “What would I think was romantic?” The reason is because his idea of romance doesn’t qualify as romantic unless he was romancing one of his drinking buddies (a disturbing thought in itself). First, we need to define things that aren’t romantic in most cases because the process of elimination seems to help clarify things.

Not Romantic

BBQing – Don’t get me wrong, I like BBQ’d food. I also like it when my husband cooks. Neither of those things are a particular turn on to me, they’re more of a pleasant distraction from normality. If you are a man reading this, perhaps ask yourself, “what is my wife’s favorite food?” Answer: chocolate. Then ask, “can I BBQ chocolate?” Answer: of all of the things in this world that are wrong, that’s close to the top.

Golf – Golf is the opposite of romance. I want to wear heels and not sweat when I do romantic things. Lack of heels isn’t a deal breaker, but being all sweaty is. And the tiny car…nothing romantic has ever been arrived to in a tiny electric golf cart.

Love declarations on Jumbotron – As awesome as letting 60,000 people know how much I am loved is, spontaneously showing me on a 20 foot screen holding a brick of curly fries is frankly embarrassing. They say that television adds 10 pounds, but when your head is the size of a minivan, I would say it’s more like 2000 lbs.

Taverns – I don’t like to judge, this is purely a personal preference, but I find quaint wine bars or cozy pubs far more romantic than places with pull-tabs and taxidermy lining the walls. Romance, to me, is a nice glass of wine with some chocolate in a place devoid of men betting on pool and Tom Petty blaring in the background…nothing against Tom Petty…I’m getting in over my head here. Lets move on.

Some Romantic Ideas

Chocolate and dressing up – Getting dressed in cute stuff and going someplace nice is the cornerstone of romance. Why? Because I get a chance to look freaking awesome and the guy doesn’t look too shabby either. All you have to do is ask yourself, “where do nicely dressed people go?” Then we go there and eat chocolate at some point. How hard is that?

Chocolate and a show – This is the next level of romance. Go see a play or an opera or something. It’s not something you do everyday and there is a ton to talk about afterwards. There’s nothing better than chocolate and a little culture every once in a while…whether we were able to follow the plot or not.

Chocolate and dancing – Are you seeing a pattern here? The problem with this one is that it can potentially poop us out before pending activities later and that’s why the chocolate is so crucial, because it gives that vital energy to keep on going. Okay, I have to admit, my husband’s dancing looks more like he’s being attacked by bees rather than moving to music. There is little-to-nothing sexy about it, but I find his intent very stimulating.

Chocolate and a long weekend – Running off for the weekend and staying in a little bed and breakfast with a view and some chocolate is the pinnacle of romance. However, if you’re anything like me, there IS such a thing as too much romance. Two days and two nights of straight romance is pretty much my threshold until I start looking in guide books for the local attractions. That’s what makes the weekend tryst so perfect.

The Three Pillars of Romance

1)    Surprise – Surprises denote planning. There is nothing more romantic than planning. Little surprises along the way after the big surprise are even better. And guys, if you made some kind of list, you might want to frame it. I know if my husband made a list, that thing would go up on the wall.

2)    Undivided Attention – That’s right, total focus is a very important part of this whole romance business. Listening, eye contact, and compliments are crucial to the whole experience…and if you’re a guy, you’re probably not even still reading this paragraph, but if you are, congrats.

3)    Chocolate – If chocolate is not involved in the process either in the beginning, during, or at the end, you have absolutely dropped the ball. And to go a little further with the sports analogy, what happens when you drop the ball? You get sidelined and that sideline generally resides in the living room…have fun.

We’ve learned a lot about romance today. This is certainly not a full tome of the subject, just some light perspectives to get the ball rolling. Now it’s time to print out this blog post and set it in the bathroom because if your hubby is anything like mine, that’s a place of learning and reflection. Good luck!

Our pre-romance chocolate suggestions:

• Chocolate Covered Blueberries
• Chocolate Covered Hazelnuts
• Chocolate Covered Cherries

Back to School Chocolate

We spend the year wishing we had more time with our kids and the next thing we know, we get what we wish for. June was wonderful wasn’t it? July came by and we realized that they don’t have anywhere to go today, or tomorrow, or the next day. Camp or sports activities help occupy them for a couple of hours, leaving the rest time open for them to focus on creating clutter and eating things the moment you buy them.

Yes, it’s like summer will never end and that’s why those of us that have kids (particularly in high school and middle school) view “Back to School” as sort of a holiday of sorts, so that we can go back to missing them. Back to school for the kids on the other hand is a stressful period of discovery where they try to pick the correct clothing and image that will accurately represent who they are at the moment. What many parents don’t realize is how important chocolate is to this transition.

Reasons For Back to School Chocolate

All of this stress can be very affecting on both child and parent, but chocolate can help. In fact, scientists have found that eating approximately 1.4 ounces of dark chocolate each day for two weeks reduced levels of the stress. And when has science ever steered us wrong? (don’t answer that) Believe it or not, as you read on you may even find that the Back to School chocolate isn’t just for you, but also for your kids. Do you think you could part with some of your chocolate? (don’t answer that either)

• Sanity – High amounts of stress can lead to such things as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Okay we are NOT implying that summer vacation and the stress of back to school can induce a crippling psychological effect, but we have been noticing a lot of our own hair in the drain lately from nervous twisting and pulling. Nothing fifty or so dark chocolate covered cherries can’t overcome…make that an even hundred.
• “Cred” – Here’s where the kids come in. Do you know what “cred” is? No? Well, its short for credibility. This is one of those nonsensical gauges for how cool they are in school. If they have things that other kids don’t have, these items add to their cred. These items include shoes, jeans, and electronic items. Does it include chocolate? It certainly helps when it comes to making friends (at least for the ten seconds it take to eat it).
• Bullies – We have all, at some point in our lives, had to deal with these unfortunate and powerless kids who feel the need to exert their frustration on others in a harassing manner. Chocolate can help by giving your children the energy to run away from them. Showing bullies that you have chocolate is a horrible idea. They may be unfortunate and disturbed kids, but plying them with chocolate just encourages them, and frankly, they don’t deserve it.
• More Sanity – You had some chocolate in order to reduce stress and bring some sanity back into your life. Going with this train of thought, more chocolate will just result in more sanity. If less sanity brings very very bad things, then more sanity can only bring very very good things, right? Is it even possible to have too much sanity? I think not. What does this have to do with Back to School? Nothing, I just like chocolate, okay, back to Back to School.
• The Brown Market – It is no secret that there is a healthy market trade system in school lunchrooms across the nation. Like the black market deals in more nefarious goods, the brown market (named after the brown paper bags from which the trade items derive) has a vigorous trade and chocolate is a commodity that is akin to gold. Emily’s has taken this into account already (see how smart we are?) and produced 1 oz bags of chocolate covered cherries, blueberries, and strawberries. One 1 oz bag could yield a handful of vegetables and a whole-wheat sandwich with low fat mayonnaise, because that’s what our kids are trading for chocolate…ahem, moving on…
• Bribery – Teachers love chocolate. We don’t want to give you the impression that your kids will get better grades if they bribe their teachers with chocolate, we’re just saying that it might (probably…will) help. Giving the teacher something like a bag of chocolate covered almonds for example may just turn that B- into a B+. You add those pluses together over a quarter and it could mean that your child is a B++++++++ student. Of course this still makes them a B student, but the best B student in the class and that’s worth celebrating…with chocolate.
• Focus – Your child may not need to bribe their teacher because chocolate can help your child learn. Bold statement, huh? Well according to WebMD, “Dark chocolate also has other powerful antioxidant properties. And it contains natural stimulants like caffeine, which can enhance focus and concentration.“ See? Don’t take our word for it, that’s from a source with MD in the name, which stands for “Medical Doctor” and Web, which stands for the Internet. We suggest you focus on the MD part.

Chocolate School Supplies

As you can see, chocolate is THE essential school supply this year. Sure, pencils and pens and paper may help them write things that the teacher says, but that’s all happening on laptops now anyway. Chocolate should be an item in any book bag. Thinking about it, that laptop might be getting in the way. Okay, leave it, they’ll probably need it.